Fantasy Football

So, football season.  I love football.  For whatever reason, the game appeals to me, both college football and professional football.  However, the thing that grips me tighter in its foul talons than any other force is Fantasy Football.  Yes, it is like D&D for the guys that use to make fun of D&D nerds.  That being said, it’s also fun.

Plus, Fantasy Football can make football accessible and interesting for people that wouldn’t otherwise be brought in.  Another advantage is for people like me – my favorite team is the San Francisco 49ers, who unfortunately for me, play on the other side of the country.  That means that I don’t see a lot of Niners games.  However, Fantasy Football gives me something to root for when I’m watching the Bears play the Packers, or some other regional game I don’t care about.

With all of the above in mind, I’m going to give the Fantasy Warriors, Neophytes, and the uninitiated a never-before-seen look at the Ahab’s Rules of Fantasy Football.

  1. Real life loyalties supersede  fantasy loyalty.  You always root for your favorite team, even your team winning means crushing defeat for your fantasy team.  The Fantasy Football Gods will reward your loyalty to your chosen team.
  2. It’s okay to hate.  I have never had LaDanian Tomlinson on a fantasy team.  Every year, there’s a 50/50 shot that I’ll meat a team with LT in the fantasy playoffs, and I always great screwed.  I hate LT.
  3. It’s not okay to wish injuries on people.  That is not cool.  Hating, and wishing for poor performances is one thing.  Wishing for injuries is not cool, and such behavior will bring swift punishment from the Fantasy Gods.
  4. Go with your gut.  Seriously.  For example, last week I picked up the Bengals defense, because they were playing the Browns and the Yahoo! Sports “experts” said it was a “good matchup”.  My gut instinct was to stay as far away from the Bengals’ D as possible, but I went against it.  The Browns scored 51 points.  Shoulda gone with my gut.
  5. Have fun.  Man, if you’re playing so much Fantasy football that it stresses you out, you need to back off.  This is supposed to be a fun way to compete with friends.  I am away that fantasy football has become a huge, gajillion dollar business; and I think those guys are geniuses for doing that.  However, if you’re not having fun, it’s not worth playing.

That’s it.  If you abide by those five rules, not only will you enjoy yourself, but you might not suck completely!  Of course, there are lots of other guidelines about drafts, and snagging people off waiver wire, but that can wait.


  1. I don’t understand how this pastime, as it is played, warrants the label of fantasy football. If I were to fantasize a football team, its members would include Walter Payton, Ray Nitschke and Ben Grimm.

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