At the movies with Ahab

I have taken it upon myself to rewrite a few of the more popular horror movies, had they been starring myself or any of my fellow gunnies out there. (We’ll have an update on the Mousegun Shooting League up tomorrow)

Act 1: Frightening phone call from inside the house, fellow with scary mask comes down the hall with a knife at our apparently defenseless heroine.

Heroine: “Whatever will I do?” Produces .357 Magnum from the couch, empties contents of cylinder into mask-wearer’s chest.

Fade lights…

The Birds
Act 2: An army of birds is amassing, threatening the house in which our young lady and her male friend are trapped.

Male friend: “Miss, would be a dear and grab my Benelli 12 gauge from the closet? I also have about 500 rounds of birdshot in there, just haul those on up. It seems we’ll be eating well tonight.”

Fade lights…

Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Act Whatever: Two young adults run from a maniac with a chainsaw.

Young lady: “He’s got a chainsaw! What are we gonna do?”
Young man: “I don’t know, all we’ve got is this AK47….waitaminnit”


Fade lights…

Night of the Living Dead
Act 3: The zombies approach a small farmhouse, seemingly defenseless. A small family is inside.

Husband: “Dear, it seems that an army of the living dead is rapidly approaching our house. I say, could you gather up the rifles and the children? Assign Timmy and Susy to reloading detail, we’ll be in a world of hurt if we run out of magazines.”

Wife: “Why of course dear, aren’t you glad we’ve stockpiling ammo for all those years?”

Husband: “I certainly am.”

Rifle fire pierces the night.

Fade lights…

Clearly, I should be working for Hollywood. Not only would movies be shorter, but they’d be a lot more bloody! They might be a bit repetitious, but at least we wouldn’t have to put up will all that Hollywood silliness when it comes to guns.

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