From the Campaign of Ahab/Clawhammer for America.
My fellow Americans:
We have a time of great national crisis in our economy. As you have probably heard, the House of Representatives yesterday rejected a bill which had great bipartisan support…bipartisan support for killing the bill. In a moment of hysterical reaction to this titanic legislative failure, the Dow dropped over 700 points yesterday – but you don’t care about that, because most people don’t get how the Dow losing 700 points is going to affect the stuff they care about, like the cost of a gallon of milk. And you know what, America? There’s nothing wrong with that.
My opponents for the office of President are currently busing blaming one another for the failure of the economic bailout package; and although the package failing is probably the fault of Nancy Pelosi (nice speech there, Nance) I don’t think it’s a bad thing that it did fail. America, do you really want your elected Representatives to ramrod a piece of legislation through the House that less that a quarter of the members have read? A piece of legislation that’s based on imaginary numbers made up by the Treasury? That’s right, imaginary numbers. But these aren’t imaginary numbers like you had when you were eight, cool numbers like eleventeen and thirty-twelve; these are imaginary numbers in the sense that the 700 billion dollars “wasn’t based on a data point” they just wanted “a big number”. That’s awesome! I love that our government was planning the biggest financial intervention since the Great Depression and it wasn’t based on any of those silly little things like “data” or “objective facts”.
Now, as we look toward the coming 12-24 months, and as Congress tries to reintroduce the bill, many Americans are wondering “what’s next”? Well, to put it shortly, what’s next is “the roller coaster of suck”. You see, we in the US have what’s called a “consumer based economy”, which in simple terms means that our economy is supported primarily by people buying stuff. Because banks are failing, it is going to be harder to get loans, credit cards, etc, which means that the purchasing of the stuff that drives our economy will be more difficult.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. This means that people will have to be more qualified to get credit, which means that from a mathematical standpoint, there will be less people getting mortgages and cars they can’t afford. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. However, the reduction in consumer spending will cause an economic downturn, which means that maybe instead of buying the 50 inch plasma, you should put that money into a good old fashioned savings account.
Now, there is a solution to this economic mess from a consumer standpoint. It is time for Americans to do as my grandparents’ generation did and cowboy up. While I love my parents, their generation gave us Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi, so I’d rather not repeat that mess. Meanwhile, my grandparents’ generation survived the Great Depression, and then because that wasn’t hard enough, they decided to go kick Hitler in the mouth. It’s like an entire generation of Chuck Norris. The point I’m making here is that yes, things could suck for a while. But capitalism, and the fundamentals of our economy are still strong. The Dow slid 700 points yesterday, but banks are still open, people are still going to work, and trucks full of stuff are moving about the nation.
Now is not the time to panic, America. Now is the time to cinch up belts a wee bit tighter, and understand that the way we’re going to get out of this isn’t to have our elected Reps ramrod poorly thought out legislation down our throats, but instead with the same mental and national toughness that took us from a Great Depression, through a World War, and into one of the most prosperous times of our nation.
Thank you, and God bless America.
(Author’s note: While the above is intended to be humorous, it’s also true. The economy could suck for a while; but the solution isn’t found in government, and it’s not found in bailing out banks that made poor business decisions or homeowners who made poor buying decisions. The solution is in the spirit and will of the American people to realize that maybe we need to tighten things up, save some dough, and make sure that our government is taking responsible, well planned action that will benefit us and not create the largest government intervention since the Great Depression.)