Since you’ll be voting for me for everything, let me lay out a few of my key positions:
- Tipping: Don’t be a cheap bastard, tip your servers.
- Terrorism: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
- Hard lefties: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
- Africa: holy hell, are we still cleaning up that mess?
- Nasty A-hole dictators: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
- The Economy: Fun idea, let’s have the government stop mucking around with it, and actually let the oh, I don’t know, guys who know how this damn thing works take care of it.
- Oil crisis: Drill ANWR. Drill offshore. Invest in coal-to-oil. Give huge tax breaks to companies who demonstrate measurable gains in sustainable energy research. Build some nuclear reactors.
Any positions not addressed above would have to first be routed by the Secretary of Giving a Damn, whose sole function would be to screen out all the stupid worthless BS that idiots try to get government to do.
P.S. At the end of my term, I would fire myself and go spend the rest of my days hunting in Montana, because I hate career politicians.