The original offensive handgun

If you’re (un)lucky, you might have had a run-in once with an HK Fanboy. If you’re really (un)lucky, you might have had the opportunity to listen to one of them opine on the Mk23 – you know, the foot long four pound handgun with crappy ergonomics. Anyway, a long time ago there was a poster made mocking the common assertion that the reason the Mk23 was so damn big was because it was an “offensive handgun“.

What HK fanboys don’t know is that their beloved SOCOM isn’t the original offensive handgun, and has probably accounted for far fewer enemy casualties than the original offensive handgun. Really, the Mk23 is trying to be as successful as a real operator’s offensive handgun: The Walker Colt. The Walker Colt makes the Mk23 look like a gun for little girls, as the .44 caliber wheelgun weighs in at 4.5 pounds, is almost 16 inches long, and will make you more manly than a fighter plane made out of biceps.

The Mk23 fires the .45 ACP cartridge, which produces inferior ballistics to the .44 caliber round balls of pure death that the Walker Colt fires. Don’t believe me? Just ask all the Mexicans killed by the Walker during the Mexican-American war. Oh that’s right, you can’t, because the Walker Colt dispatched them so efficiently that it actually went back in time and killed them before they were even born.

What’s that you say? The Walker is a blackpowder firearm, and thusly unsuitable for the modern battlefield? That sounds just like something that someone would say if they couldn’t handle the power and battletested firepower of the Walker Colt. What? The cylinders would rupture if overcharged, and sometimes the reloading lever spring would fail and foul the action during combat? Tough tootsies, real operators like the Texas Rangers just tie it off with a little leather and keep fighting.

Let’s face it, HK fanboys are just sad because their “offensive handgun” just doesn’t measure up to the real standards of an offensive handgun. It doesn’t have enough steel, can’t be used to club a horse unconscious, and compared to a gun that served in a major war and countless Indian fights, it’s not even properly battle tested. HK: Because you suck, and we hate you.


  1. Odd, I once heard that large handguns were considered “defensive handguns” since they could not be easily concealed and carried.

  2. No, it’s “offensive” because it’s so big and unconcealable that you can only use it to ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK like a real operator.

  3. A real operator would only carry a LeMat for an Offensive Handgun ™.

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