Ahab’s NFL Preview

The first game of the NFL season.  I can feel the anticipation.  After the Colt’s championship season, I’m doubly excited about this year, since the 49ers (my favorite team) had a great rebuilding year, and a strong off season.

Of course, I’m going to write an incredibly long and boringly detailed NFL Preview post now; complete with my personal breakdown on what I think each team in the NFL is going to do this year.  If you don’t like hot, steamy, NFL coverage, this is not the blag entry for you.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills – The Bills added rookie Marshawn Lynch at running back during the off-season.  While he has tremendous potential, I don’t think Lynch alone is going to be enough to overcome the Patriots, or the fact that J.P. Lossman is still the Bills quarterback.  In short, another year of sucking.

Miami Dolphins – Who the hell is their starting QB?  Trent Green?  That’s good, he’s only 73 years old.

New England Patriots – The sportswriter’s darling to win it all this year, and it’s hard to not see why.  Between Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Dante’ Stallworth, and Lawrence Maroney, the Pats are STACKED on offense.

New York Jets – I don’t see another miracle for Mangini this year.  I mean, they could maybe win a wild card, but the AFC is just too tough for the Jets.  Their starting running back is…uh…er…well, you get my point.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens – I hate the Ravens.  That said, they have their work cut out for them this year, in what has got to be the toughest conference in the NFL.  I don’t think their offense is strong enough to get it done, although the addition of McGahee at RB should help their faltering run game.

Cincinnati  Bengals – Loads of offense.  No defense.  Tough conference.  No playoffs here.

Cleveland Browns – If I could overcome my utter loathing of Brady Quinn for even 7 seconds (which I can’t) I might be able to acknowledge that Jamal Lewis could help take the pressure off the passing game.  Although, I don’t think they’re going to win more than 3 games.

Pittsburgh Steelers – I risk a divorce for saying this, but this is my pick to win their division.  My wife hates the Steelers, but I have a soft spot for them.  Maybe it’s their “littl lost boy” QB in Ben Wafflesburger, or the fact that Fast Willie Parker has consistently produced for my fantasy teams, but I just can’t get over the fact that I sort of like the Steelers.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts – My wife’s favorite team, and my 2nd favorite team.  Should win the AFC South for the 3,334 season in a row.  Lost a lot of key roleplayers during the off-season, but I am a believe in Adam Vinateri and his magic leg.

Houston Texans – Hey, if Ahman Green can manuever his wheelchair around the field, and if Matt Schaub sucks less than David Carr, they might win 6 games.

Jacksonville Jaguars – The most serious threat (that I see) to the Colts in this division.  Absolutely devastating at RB, their biggest weakness is in their QB.  If they start Leftwich instead of Garrard, that would be a big mistake.

Tennessee Titans – Vince Young is good.  Very good.  The problem is with the Titans, everything else is measure in terms of potential.  They “could” do this, and they “could” do that.

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs – Bastards managed to sneak into the playoffs last year behind Larry Johnson and some bad play from Denver.  Won’t happen again this year.

Denver Broncos – My mom’s favorite team.  All of Denver is on their hands and knees praying that Jay Cutler turns into the next Elway, and not another Jake Plummer.

Oakland Raiders – Due to my former geographic location, I am required by law to hate the Raiders for abandoning LA.  However, the Raiders are studly on defense, and if they get the 30 TDs-11 INTs Culpepper from a few seasons ago (and not the one from last season) they could sneak into the playoffs.

San Diego Chargers – My pick for the AFC Champion this year.  I think they’re going to overcome the Norv Turner suck factor and win the AFC.

NFC East

Dallas Cowboys – I hate the Cowboys.  I hate their gay little stars, I hate their stupid stadium (note: the hole is *not* so God watch your idiot team play), and I hate their owner.  That’s why I’m glad that they have T.O., it makes it so much easier to focus my hatred.

New York Giants – Eli needs to not suck.  Their new RB that is replacing Tiki needs to not suck.  I think that they might squeak into a wild card spot.

Philly Eagles – The Iggles will probably have a very quiet season of winning 11 games and their division.  Provided that their older players (Westbrook and McNabb) stay healthy.

Washington Redskins – I hope you like winning 5 games.

NFC North

Chicago Bears – With Rex Grossman still under center, the Bears will continue to ride their defense; although probably to only 9 or 10 wins this year.  Cedric Benson is promising, but can’t overcome the black hole of crap that surrounds Rex.

Detroit Lions – The sleeper pick to win the NFC North.  Of course, I say that every year.

Green Bay Packers – You know my comment about Ahman Green’s wheelchair?  That goes double for Brett Favre.  8 wins, tops.

Minnesota Vikings – Another team with no chance.  You know, it occurs to me that the NFC North sucks.

NFC South

Atlanta Falcons – Probably better off without Michael Vick, as despite his shortcomings, Joey Harrington at least realizes he can’t just keep the ball on every play.  They might get 7 wins.

Carolina Panthers – Jake Delhomme to Steve Smith.  Lather, rinse, repeat, until defenses  triple team Smith.  Then finish 8 and 8.

New Orleans Saints – After a heartwarming and surprising season, the Saints will probably win the South; they’re also my pick for the NFC in the Super Bowl.

Tampa Bay Bucs – If Cadillac stays healthy, if Garcia can repeat last year’s heroics, if, if if…

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals – See Tampa Bay, but replace Cadillac with Edgerrin and add the caveat that their line has to not suck.  Probably makes the wild card.

Seattle Seahawks – Two years removed from getting cheated out of a Super Bowl, the Seahawks won’t make the playoffs this year.  They’re getting too old, and the rest of the conference is catching up too fast.

St. Louis Rams – Behind Stephen Jackson, the Rams might sneak into the playoffs this year.

San Francisco 49ers – CHAMPIONSHIP!  ALEX SMITH IS THE NEXT JOE MONTANA!  Uh…I mean…with a talented RB, a QB coming into his own, and plenty of targets, the 49ers begin to regain the glory of the Montana/Young years.

Playoff Picture


Wildcards: Arizona, Detroit

Division Winners: San Francisco, New Orleans, Chicago, and Philly

NFC Championship Game: New Orleans vs. San Francisco (that’s right, I said it)  New Orleans wins 34-30.


Wildcards: Denver, Cincinnati

Division Winners: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, San Diego, New England

AFC Championship Game: San Diego vs. Indianapolis – San Diego wins 41-38.

Super Bowl: New Orleans vs. San Diego – New Orleans wins in a shocker, 24-20.


  1. You’re spot-on. The Titans are a mystery this season. We may break a lot of hearts. Hopefully, one will belong to Merrill Hoge. 😛

    Thanks for NOT saying how the Titans let their rusher and receivers go. It wasn’t like we let Emmit, Irvin and Rice get away from us or anything.

  2. This is better than Christmas! The Lions make a wildcard spot? Ahab, buddy, stop the drug use. They’ve gone 21-74 since Millen took over as President & GM. We are a shoo-in for at least three games this season, maybe as many as six.

    My college football season ended on Saturday when my Wolverines had their asses handed to them by Appalachian State. But, there is always the Detroit Lions. So I have until at least Sunday morning to enjoy this NFL season. By Sunday evening, the Raiders will have put the Lions in their traditional place at the bottom of the standings.

  3. For the Seahawks, you forgot to mention that they’ll get all their fans hopes up by starting 4-0, but will do the inevitable Seattle Sports Team Choke in December to drop dead in the first wildcard game.

  4. I know nothing of sports and don’t follow them. However, I was born in the San Francisco Bay Area and thus must support the teams from the area.

    Go 49ers. (Technically, I was closer to Oakland, but I don’t care. I support the Oakland A’s to make up for it.)

  5. Other than giving the cardinals a wildcard, and your blatant fan worship of the 49ers obscuring your judgement, I’m mostly there with you.

    Honestly, I think it’s a tossup between the Rams and the 9ers. I’d guess that Seattle is going to be playing too injured this year.

    I think it’s another tossup between NO and Caroline… wth the edge to Carolina. I really think the panthers are a better team on a fundamental level; but the saints have a “spirit” going on if you will.

    Given that, I’d scrub your NFC wildcards and replace them with SF and NO.

    On the AFC side, I’d reverse the positions of Denver and San Diego; but otherwise spot on.

    Also I’d be greatly surprised if we didn’t see another Pats Colts championship matchup.

  6. Arizona a wild card? Are you high?
    They stink, and they will always stink until they don’t.
    Until then, only one way to play them and that is that they will stink.
    A team isn’t a winner until they have won. Obvious, but like a koan, it needs to be repeated to “see” the “obvious”.
    Finally, if Arizona doesn’t make it, will you be surprised? No.

  7. Actually, I will be a little surprised if the Cardinals don’t make it this year. They have allegedly fixed their O-Line, and I think that Wisenhutt has what it takes.

  8. CDS: the origin of BDS.

    You can hate the ‘Pokes and their star (wayl, our star), but losing awl rationality over it ain’t gonna gitcha nowhars, Ay-hab. Shore, hate Jerry Jones, we awl dew down hyere, tew, but the Cowboahs exist to be loved er hated.

    The team and fans ‘er jyust good enuf to absorb awl yer hatred and turn it into righteousness and love, and bless the werld with it. And ya don’t even havta thank us fer it. We dew it a’cause that’s who we are.


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