How to write an anti-gun editorial

Due to recent shenanigans and the recent abundance of anti-gun editorials popping up all over the media, in concert with several close friends, I launched a covert operation deep into the heart the VPC headquarters in an effort to see if they’re behind all the anti-gun editorials that are currently springing up in the press.

After evading their perimeter security guards and stealthily slipping undetected into the very bowels of their facility, I happened upon a room with the ominous phrase “Training/Grassroots Materials” written on the door. After deftly picking the lock (and earning 25 XP), I entered the room – all around me were stacks and stacks of fliers, notes, and glossy publications. As I proceeded to gather information, I unfortunately triggered the self-destruct system by dropping the match I was using for light into a trash can. As flames erupted around me, I made my escape; fortunately I was able to salvage the following pamphlet that should provide deep insight into the mind of our enemy.

For Immediate Release to all Area Directors of Propaganda
Violence Policy Center

How to Write an Anti-Gun Editorial

In light of the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech, it is important to keep the pressure up on the general populace to reinforce the negative stereotype of firearms presented in the mainstream media. Below you’ll find a step by step guide to writing an anti-gun editorial. Keep these points in mind and your efforts to promote the absolute removal of guns from law-abiding citizens will be better received.

1. Establish your credibility.
With the increasing prevalence of states allowing for the carry of concealed firearms, the Circuit Court overturning DC’s excellent gun control laws, and the 2006 election placing many Democrats who oppose their party’s traditional views on gun control in office; it is imperative that your editorial not sound like you want to ban guns off the bat. Start with a statement like “as a long time hunter” or “I own a few guns” to establish a sense of equality with the commoners.

2. Mention Virginia Tech
Almost as important as establishing your credibility as a gun owner is your ability to manipulate the emotions of your reading audience. When mentioning Virginia Tech (or any other gun related tragedy), make sure that you tie the tragedy not the person, but rather to their ability to have a gun. Any gun.

3. Use lots of words that don’t have a meaning
The best of these is “assault weapon”. Since it’s a completely made up word, we can use it to mean anything that we want. Additionally, since the average American doesn’t really know what an “assault weapon” is, the word alone conjures images of fully-automatic machine guns.

4. Misinformation is key
Going hand in hand with number three, make sure to conflate the legal semi-automatic rifles with illegal fully automatic rifles. Again, since most people don’t know the difference, don’t help them make that distinction. It’s important that they believe that a semi-automatic AK47 is the same as the AK47 Assault Rifle.

5. Propose “reasonable gun laws”
Never, ever say that you want to ban guns. Instead, propose things like taking away “assault weapons” (see #3) or limiting magazine capacity. Taking guns away is like boiling a frog, you have to slowly increase the temperature so the frog doesn’t know he’s being cooked.

6. Bash the NRA
Almost as important as enforcing the negative stereotype of guns themselves is making sure that people think the NRA is evil. The more people that are terrified of the NRA, the easier it is for us. If you have to lie about things to make the NRA sound evil, go ahead. Most people don’t check facts anyway.

7. Re-establish your credibility
Close with a strong statement, something in the vein of “While I support the right to keep and bear arms, it’s important to remember that rights are often restricted in the name of safety”. If you’ve done your work well, by this point of the article the average mother is afraid that guns will kill her children – by driving your point home that “less guns = safe”, you’re more likely to have her support.

Needless to say, I was shocked. Unfortunately, all I have left of their pamphlet is the copy I was able to scribble on a bar napkin while I was hiding from their Security. The “self-destruct” mechanism took everything else with it. Truly a clever plan, hiding a footstool right where it would trip me and cause me to drop my match.

We must be ever vigilant.