What your carry holster says about you

HK VP9 Blackhawk nylon holster

Two years ago I wrote a pair of humor posts called “What your Carry Gun says about you” which were fairly well received. Mostly because I like jokes. There’s nothing quite like hauling a reliable old joke out of the barn for another ride.

What your carry holster says about you

Traditional leather OWB belt holster
What you think it says: “I am a man of taste and distinction. I dress around the gun, and only carry my ivory-stocked 1911 in the finest handcrafted gun leather, made by Serbian pistol-fighting monks one at a time.”

What it actually says: “I think it’s 1957, I hate all pop music, and these damn kids won’t get off my damn lawn. Also, AR15s are Terrorist Rifles.”

ruger gp100 with galco

Strongside leather IWB holster/Summer Comfort
What you think it says: “I am a sensible adult who has purchased a no-nonsense, no gimmicks, carry holster. This style of holster has worked for years.”

What it actually says: “I have basically no imagination, and have chosen the most bland, nondescript holster in the world. I drive a Toyota Camry and eat plain oatmeal.”

Appendix carry IWB
What you think it says: “I’m on the cutting edge of modern carry methods. The top trainers use AIWB because it’s faster to get into the fight, offers better weapon retention, and superior dynamic deployability in a critical incident.”

What it actually says: “I am a mindless follower of trends, completely incapable of evaluating decisions based on need. I bought a .300 BLK when Travis Haley said they were cool, and I put an RDS on my Glock 26 because Gabe Suarez said it was the future of fighting handguns. Also, I will likely shoot my wiener.”

Crossdraw holster
What you think it says: “While not as popular these days, crossdraw holsters are a legitimate option for my carry lifestyle. I have easy access to the gun from a seated position, and with smart wardrobe choices can easily conceal a full size handgun.”

What it actually says: “Oh god Danny Glover was the coolest character in Leathal Weapon. Dat k-frame in dat leather holster tho”

Shoulder Holster
What you think it says: “I use a shoulder holster because it’s a real world option for concealing a full size handgun. Everyday CCW is different from the square range training classes, and I need to be able to conceal a gun in business attire.”

What it actually says: “I wish Miami Vice had never gone off the air. Also, do you know where I can get some Bren 10 mags?”

Kydex pancake light bearing OWB holster
What you think it says: “I need a modern holster to carry my modern firearm. The threat dynamic of the 21st century requires a tactical gunfighter equipped to handle himself when the balloon goes up, no matter the time of the day.”

What it actually says: “I spent 120 dollars on a knock-off of Raven Concealment because I’m not patient enough to wait for the real deal. Also, I ran out of lotion watching Magpul videos.”

Praetor Defense Holster

Blackhawk SERPA!
What you think it says: “As a responsible practitioner of Open Carry, I need a retention holster to protect my gun from criminal surprise attackers playing the Knockout Game.”

What it actually says: “They don’t make an ALS holster for my Taurus Judge, so I bought this SERPA. Plus I can match the grips on my Judge to my fedora!”

$5.00 nylon sausage sack
What you think it says: “I need a holster that is functional, and I am on a budget. As a price conscious shopper it’s important for me to squeeze my dollar as far as it goes.”

What it actually says: “I’m poor and I own a Hi-Point.”

That’s it for our first installment, let me know your suggestions and thoughts in the comments.

41 thoughts on “What your carry holster says about you”

  1. HEY!! Easy on the traditional OWB holster and revolver carry!! I wasn’t even born yet in 1957! 1958… but not 57! I love a good AR AND AKs, I wear OWBs because I don’t have my girlish figure anymore and if I tighten my belt enough to keep my pants up, I can’t get the gun out! Friggin opinionated whippersnapper!

      1. I laughed. This is the kind of article I like, because it pokes fun at everybody equally. I’d like to see a part 2.

      2. Yea, I figured it was You did some good stuff on revolver carry not too long ago. The tight belt thing is sadly true with me though, lol. tried IWBs. Working on becoming a little “less of a man”, but might hang with my OWBs. More retention features.

  2. Dang kids with their AR47 terrorist rifles! Get off my lawn! Also, I made it myself, so I’m also a crazy separatist. Now I have to go back to ‘What your Carry Gun says…’ to recall what my Ruger SR40 means. I think it meant I’m a trend follower, I just prefer to overpay for magazines.

  3. What, no scorn for those fence-sitting bastards who own one of each, and never know what they’ll be using when they wake up in the morning?

    Hey, you kydex-huggers, get off my lawn!

  4. I’ll be curious to see if you cover my somewhat unique holster of preference. 😀

  5. I can tell how old you are just based on your reaction when I mention Milt Sparks, Greg Kramer or use the term “horsehide”.

          1. Fanny pack – you take your cue’s from Nuntfancy so that you can carry a drug store, a knife store and anything else you might need that 1 time in 10 million, but YOU WILL BE PREPARED!

  6. Alternate $5.00 nylon sausage sack
    What you think it says: “I put a laser on this and need to fit it somewhere now.”

    What it actually says: “I put a laser on this and need to fit it somewhere now.”

  7. So, Oh wise Caleb, what about people that prefer horse hide over cow hide holsters? What about exotic leathers? If I could get away with a seal skin/elephant hide, I would in a heart beat… Baby Harp seal , the Veal of the sea…. I guess I need to order a OWB holster…. Dam Kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!

  8. LOL. This Milt Sparks Summer Special IWB wearing guy approves. (And of my alternative methods, why yes, I *do* wish Miami Vice hadn’t gone off the air. :D)

  9. HAH! I have at least one of each. Talk about others like the belt slide holster, (leather and Codra), Pocket holsters, Ankle holsters, etc. This is going to be great.

  10. From now on its Mexican carry for me. No holster no comments! Now I always feel like quoting Bart and saying “Excuse me while I whip this out!”

  11. The “Yaqui” single leather loop, no retention, no protection holster. No idea what it means, but I bought one for my Taurus PT-92, because that’s how Vincent carried his Beretta in “Ronin.”

    1. Leather biker vest with built in holster:

      What you think it says: “I am a rugged, tough individual. A disciple of the road. When I’m out on the highway, just me and my bike, I need to make sure I’m prepared to defend myself.”

      What it actually says: “I look like a reject from a homosexual Sons of Anarchy/Village People slashfic.”

  12. I have a nylon holster (Cheap) sewed onto a construction type back brace in horizontal position on small of back to carry a Large frame Auto. Shoulder straps keep it from riding down and equalizes the weight. Cofortable to wear on horse or in car or while walking. Doesn’t give you that lopsided look as if youv’e been carrying a surfboard under your arm for the last 30 yrs.

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