blogs/humor

All shall love me and despair

Posted on by Caleb

Mike wants to nominate me for everything.

I agree with this plan of action – Ahab for Everything.  I’ll make Robb Allen my Minister of Defense, Tam can be Secretary of Snark, and Uncle will be Director of Assbeatings.

Since you’ll be voting for me for everything, let me lay out a few of my key positions:

  • Tipping: Don’t be a cheap bastard, tip your servers.
  • Terrorism: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
  • Hard lefties: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
  • Africa: holy hell, are we still cleaning up that mess?
  • Nasty A-hole dictators: Let’s stop holding hands with the bastards and just kill ’em.
  • The Economy: Fun idea, let’s have the government stop mucking around with it, and actually let the oh, I don’t know, guys who know how this damn thing works take care of it.
  • Oil crisis: Drill ANWR.  Drill offshore.  Invest in coal-to-oil.  Give huge tax breaks to companies who demonstrate measurable gains in sustainable energy research.  Build some nuclear reactors.

Any positions not addressed above would have to first be routed by the Secretary of Giving a Damn, whose sole function would be to screen out all the stupid worthless BS that idiots try to get government to do.

P.S.  At the end of my term, I would fire myself and go spend the rest of my days hunting in Montana, because I hate career politicians.

Caleb

6 Comments

  1. So when can we expect your entry into politics?

    For that matter, who’s going to be the devil’s advocate in your administration?

  4. Could I apply for the job of Minister in Charge of Removing laws?

    I would be willing to work long hours, for a week or two. I think identifying a couple of dozen that need to stay on the books shouldn’t take too long, then the rest of the time would be spent sending the list to Congress for them to get repeal.

  5. You’ve got my vote, but I think you overlooked a plank in your platform… The UN. Or do they fall under ‘hard lefties’?

  6. I’d like the position of Secretary of Giving a Shit because I obviously don’t. As I see it, one of my primary duties will be firing the Congress Critters who try to stay beyond 12 years. Firing them out of a 155, if necessary, pour encourager les autres. At the least, the NEA, EPA, CPB, and ICE would be under my purview – two to remove (NEA and CPB), one to downsize-due-to-success (EPA), and one to expand, up-armor and array along the borders.

    I can start Monday…..

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