What caliber for weird game?

Pennsylvania is in the  midst of a Bigfoot Hysteria.  So, because it is Monday and a slow news day, I’m going to ask what caliber of firearm to use for some of the denizens of the cryptozoology world.  If you don’t feel like clicking on that link, cryptozoology is the study of pretend, made-up, or otherwise fictional animals.

Let’s start with Sasquatch, or Bigfoot.  I would personally treat Bigfoot hunting about the same as I would hunting for Elk, Bear, or other large, tough, North American game.  An H&R Handi-Rifle chambered in .500 S&W Magnum would be an excellent pill for Bigfoot; and I imagine that if someone actually brought a hide back, we could end all this nonsense.

Next up is the fabled Chupacabra, or “Goat Sucker”.  Much smaller than a Bigfoot, I’m thinking that a rifle set up for close range coyote hunting would be a good choice here, something that shoots flat and fast.  .223, .22-250, or .204 Ruger would all likely get the job done.  I wouldn’t step down to anything in a rimfire, as the .22 Magnum and .17 HMR are marginal for big coyotes.

Of course, I would be remiss if I failed to mention the lethal Australian Drop Bears.  Due to their small size and preferred method of attack, I’d have to recommend a magnum caliber handgun with a 4 or 6 inch barrel and iron sights.  Personally, I’d use .357, but a .45 Colt, .44 Magnum, or .41 Magnum should all be equally effective.

The final pretend animal is the oft speculated on Loch Ness Monster.  Due to the hypothetical size of this beast, I cannot in good conscience recommend anything less than a .50 BMG if you decide to undertake hunting this mammoth sea-beast.  Of course, even the Big Fifty falls behind my personal choice for hunting huge sea-life: the 57mm Mk 110 Naval Gun System.  A fused, high explosive round would be exactly what the doctor ordered to put an end to this Loch Ness nonsense.  Yes, there is nothing like the smell of sea-guts in the morning.  It smells like breakfast.

11 thoughts on “What caliber for weird game?”

  1. And what caliber do you recommend for defeating the greatest of all made-up animals — Man-Bear-Pig?

  2. Sasquatch is presumably non-human but still a hominid, which would cause me to suggest that any round that would be appropriate for a human would work on a sasquatch pretty effectively. The only difference being that sasquatch would not have any psychological compulsion to stop fighting after being shot, so I wouldn’t suggest .223, but would imagine .308 would be pretty effective.

    For nessie, I would prefer one of these

  3. For Man-Bear-Pig I’d have to say that a .308 or .300 Win Mag would get the job done appropriately.

    Also, I’m worried that the 20mm wouldn’t have enough oomph for Nessie. I want to blow that bastard to chunky salsa.

  4. For the jackalope, the 22 Mag would seem to be an adequate round, depending on the range. At long distance, however, I recommend the 22-250

  5. For GooseFoot, I recommend a goose gun.

    Okay, actually it’s something the size of a bear, and spits flames, so a heavier rifle is probably best.

  6. Sasquatch Is presumably a pretty large creature comparable to a lot of African big game. I’m guessing that it would also take refuge in a cave or something, so it would be a close-range final confrontation. I’m thinking a Holland and Holland Royal Double rifle chambered in .577 Tyrannosaur.

    Hey, if I’m coming back with Sasquatch’s pelt, I can afford a $200,000 rifle.

  7. Hmmm

    Dunno about using so much gun when going after Bigfoot. The meat may be too tasty to turn into so much hamburger. As long as you didn’t wish to save the head for wall mounting purposes, a good 30-06 to the brainhousing group should do the trick, and a good taxidermist can fix the hole, too, come to think of it.

  8. Well if anyone sees a nauga, they didn’t. They have been hunted to extinction for their hide, which is used in coverings for furniture, automobile seats and some clothing as an alternative to leather.

    Ergo, if one sees a nauga, they didn’t. What they are actually seeing is a rhodamander which mimics the appearance of a nauga. However, unlike the mild-mannered nauga, rhodamanders are extremely vicious and aggressive. If you spot one, shoot him immediately. With as large a bore as you can handle. It could just save your life, though it might possibly rob you of your sanity due the terror induced hysteria that inevitably follows such an encounter. To date every witness to a rhodamander attack has been institutionalized for their own protection.

    Be warned.

  9. I would use my trusted remington 870, firing 2 3/4 inch slugs for all of them. It would do the job nicely. Then, after offing that Loch Ness beasty, we’d be eating good for months to come. Mmm, fresh dinosaur.

  10. For Nessie, I’m thinking .416 Barrett custom hollowpoint and a headshot. I am not putting a round into that body. Wait on the walls of the Loch for Nessie to poke its head up, count and squeeze, one second of flight time and I am the most famous man in Scotland.

    I’d have the tug on standby waiting to go once the deed is done. Haul that pristine carcass up onto the beach and head for the taxidermist. Stuffing Nessie for display on my lawn would have be any taxidermist’s wet dream.

    If I wanted to be traditional, there is only one choice out of a boat for Nessie: .577 Tyrannosaur. It’s only fitting, after all.

  11. For all but the biggest of the beasties I would suggest a 12-bore Paradox, firing plated #4-buck for the tiny ones (Chupacabra) and 700+ grain Paradox bullets for the larger (Sasquatch). A Rem870 firing the same combination would due too.

    For the really big ones, Nessie & T.rex, I suggest the 577 Tyrannosaur or 600 Overkill. The latter has been demonstrated to shoot through nearly two meters of solid oak with a Monolithic Solid. Two meters… think about it!

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