Wild America

I’m Marty Stouffer, today on Wild America we’re going to be looking at the animals whose natural habitat lies in one of the most dangerous regions in America – the gunshop.

I should warn you, some of the images in the upcoming program may be disturbing to younger viewers, so be careful.

(exterior shot of gunshop)

(whispering) We’re here inside the gunshop now – there are appear to be several different species congregating in this area. I’ll try to give you the rundown of each one that I see, then get some footage of their interaction.

Over there in the corner, you have Retailus Ninjatu, commonly referred to as the “Black bellied Mall Ninja”. They can usually be spotted by their unique coloration and plumage, notice how the male has covered itself in all black. All the things that its attached to its body are designed to inspire fear in other members of different species – most notably anything that the Retailus places on its hip area.

If you look next to Retailus, you’ll see a closely related species, the Fictitious Gloriousus – a unique species which adorns itself in camouflage which is not at all suitable to its current environment. In addition to their mismatch camouflage, they can often be identified by their general enormous size. Gloriousus often uses loud calls and noises to make himself seem more intimidating to other animals.

Oh my! Behind the counter, over there! It’s Browningus_Ultimus! I had hoped to find one of these; members of Ultimus are tool users, they identify in a tribal fashion based on their preference of one specific tool at the exclusion of all others. They’re a very dangerous species, as the slightest perceived insult to their tool collection can send them into wild frenzies.

Oh dear – we seem to have been spotted by Gloriousus. We need to go, quickly, before he can close the distance. Luckily, their tremendous size prevents fast movement, we should be okay.


That was close – I’m very pleased with today’s show. Until next time, I’m Marty Stouffer.